1. Dump your totally alert baby into its crib or bassinet and leave the room, shutting the door carefully behind you.
  2. “Wear” your baby draped casually over your shoulders as you would a cardigan sweater.
  3. Read aloud to baby selections from your memoirs.
  4. Play some white noise, tracks from Sonic Youth will do.
  5. Sing “Lullaby” by The Cure, raising your voice to an unearthly keen when you get to the line about the Spiderman having you for dinner tonight!!
  6. Be as inconsistent as possible.
  7. Blame it on Obama.
  8. Swaddle your baby like a burrito and personalize with toppings. Remember, sour cream is inauthentic but delicious.
  9. Put the baby down just as the garbage truck arrives to empty the dumpsters out back.
  10. Mumble “I don’t care if you nap, baby. Whatever,” as you avoid eye contact and flatly shrug your shoulders.
  11. Let your congressperson know in no uncertain terms that your vote cannot be counted on unless he or she personally comes to your house and puts your baby to sleep.
  12. Sell the baby to the circus. Now they have to deal with it!