I get asked a lot about married life. People always want to know how it is. “Have you got him trained yet?” they inquire.

And I laugh and say lands, yes. Training was my very first order of business. Seconds after we said, “I do,” I laid down the law. He’s had one or two accidents, but these days he mostly he uses the toilet like a Big Husband.

I’ve got him cooking now, too. People are amazed at his progress. They ask me how I did it. Well, it’s no big secret, really — just your standard system of rewards for good behavior. Every time he responds correctly to my commands, I shove his face in my chest. Boobies are his favorite treat.

Next I think we’ll tackle expanding his vocabulary from one- to two-syllable words.

But marriage is more than words, boobs, cooking, and bathroom habits. It’s even more than a rainbow-colored collection of KitchenAid mixers. I like to line mine up on the counter from the warm to the cool hues, personally. And I’m still a little angry that they sell a Boysenberry but not a true Lavender.

Marriage would definitely be better with the Lavender.

A picture of my kitchen.

My single friends who are still dreaming of that walk down the aisle always ask me all the time what it’s like to be married. How it feels. And I sigh and say, “Well, it’s a lot like baking a cake.” And then I stop there because I never know where I’m going with that metaphor. And I stare at them knowingly until they leave.

The truth is that it’s hard. No one wants to admit it, but I will. I had to think long and hard about getting married. I mean, I spent at least ten minutes mulling it over as I was waiting for my oil change. No more than 30, really. They aren’t lying when they call themselves “jiffy,” in my experience. I just wish they’d put some more magazines out for their customers.

No one really talks about the hard times. We’ve had many hard times in our marriage. Like Valentine’s Day. For some reason my husband is unable to learn to read my mind about what I want, so Valentine’s Day always ends in tears. Usually his, because I’ve locked him out of the house and he’s missing his favorite shows.

So it’s hard, but I’ve taken it upon myself to open up about the hardness. I want my single friends to know that marriage isn’t about roses and diamonds like they think it is. I mean, there’s the one diamond, to start. And I’ve also received roses. But not, like, every day. There isn’t just a bed of rose petals waiting for you right on the other side of the wedding. Which is probably something I should have talked about with the coordinator, now that I think of it.

Never do it for love or companionship or mutual respect. That’s the kind of thing they try to sell you in movies — lies! It helps to stay honest. So every time he does something that makes me mad, I post about it on Facebook. My friends always side with me, so I always win.

But the thing that really sold me on marriage, in the end, was the idea of togetherness. And not in the sense of being, like, together together. I just mean that I wanted someone in my life. You know. Someone to mix me a drink. Someone to carry in the boxes from Ikea for me. Someone to scratch my back in that place I can’t reach. Someone to hand me the remote.

I couldn’t see my life without any of these things. Especially the part with the drink.

Because people turn to me so often for my perspective on marriage, I finally sat down and made a list of the reasons why I got married. I thought I’d share because they’re useful for everyone:

  • I wanted all my problems to be solved.
  • Singlehood is perpetual Opening Day. His ass wasn’t truly mine until I locked that ish down. Now no one else can ever have it!
  • You don’t get to be somebody until you’re a Mrs.
  • Nothing says power and status like a little sparkle and flash from your ring finger.
  • Everyone else was doing it.
  • I wanted to be special and the center of attention for one day. 
  • Ladies can’t have babies without getting married first! Duh.
  • My dad said he was going to stop supporting me once I turned 30.
  • We really needed a set of matching wine glasses.

Are you married? Are you thinking about getting married? Do yourself a favor and read that list over a few times. Really get it in your head. Because I’m not trying to say I’m an expert or anything, but I know a thing or two about it. 

Just ask my husband.