2012. Ehhhh.

I was dreading the new year. In fact I still am, because come on. A year featuring a presidential election and end-of-the-world mania? A year in which our grasp of civil liberties grows more tenuous and Katy Perry is slated to perform at the Grammys? And on top of all that we continue to be obligated to behave like responsible adults?

Marvelous. Sign me up.

I’m one of those smug pricks who don’t do resolutions. I gave those up years ago, like I gave up on wearing pants. Both are simply too restrictive. Instead of resolutions, I prefer to take a few moments and reflect on my expectations for the new year. Many of them are old standbys. Some are new. Some are — in the bright shiny spirit of self-improvement — somewhat higher expectations than put forward in previous years.

Here’s what I expect to do in 2012:

  • Eat well.
  • Drink well.
  • Frolic with fervor.
  • Speak up when I disagree.
  • Chase birds until they fly away.
  • Put more time and thought into wrapping gifts.
  • Avoid using the word “fat” as a descriptor.
  • Stare at people in other cars.
  • LESS BITING.
  • Dye my hair.
  • Use my words.
  • Embrace occasional bouts of belligerence.
  • Sleep in.
  • Be disappointed.
  • Be wasteful.
  • Scrimp and save.
  • Suck it up.
  • Smile when I don’t want to.
  • Go to the doctor and the dentist for the first time in years. [Sidebar: AUUUGHHH]
  • Mock people who drive cars that can park themselves.
  • Pass on the right.
  • Experiment.
  • Be enthusiastic.
  • Be a shut-in.
  • Apologize for my behavior.
  • Drink during the day.
  • Avoid politics.
  • Meow at cats.
  • Bock at my husband.
  • Think about babies.
  • Think about moving.
  • Sneer at tourists.
  • Be a tourist.
  • Be reasonable.
  • Complain loudly.
  • Use the words “amazing” and “awesome” sparingly.
  • Listen to songs and cry.
  • Replace song lyrics with the beau’s name.
  • Endeavor to accept the way my face looks in the mirror.
  • Call my sister-cousin.
  • Seek out dim sum.
  • Continue to dislike monkeys.

Spill. What are your expectations?