Hi. You look nice today. Is that a new shirt? It’s really working for you. Is, is uh… are you doing something different with your hair? Parting it on the other side, maybe? Yeah? I like your face. Good job with that. Good job having that face.

[Clears throat, drags toe across floor]

Some rain we’re having, huh?

[Avoids eye contact]

Uh.

So, I’ve been gone a little while? Partially because I unofficially participated in the Bloggers’ Day of Silence last Friday in support of For Japan with Love (and by “unofficially” I mean I didn’t tell anyone I was), and partially because I’ve been working on the same damn post for over a week now. I just keep pouring words into the post draft window, and whenever I try to stop and edit them down, I end up adding more. I’ve read it over so many times that it doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I try to scan through and all I see is DERP DERP DERP DERPA DERPA DERP. They say the hardest part is admitting you have a problem and, well: I think I might need help, you guys. Someone please come over here and hit “publish” for me.

… No? No one? I suppose you’re right. I have to learn to do it for myself.

It’s really for the best that I haven’t published it yet, though. That post is currently 14,083,592 words long and there aren’t even any pictures in it. I am totally breaking all the blogging rules. Good thing I’m not a real blogger.

The monster may not be ready for its debut, but I figured I couldn’t let this week come to a close without posting something. So here’s an update on Things That Have Occurred Since I Last Posted:

  • I hemmed and hawed about buying a plane ticket to Michigan to see my family in mid-April, because: money! Travel requires many piles of it! After Travelocity toyed with my emotions in the form of offering a deal, retracting it, and then offering it again, I finally caved and bought one. Now I’m looking forward to spending roughly five days of next month in the “thumb” of the mitten state! Zany antics are certain to ensue.
  • Because the word “diet” makes me want to hurl my container of gouda cheese spread against the nearest wall, I have finally begun a campaign to shed my winter weight. My plan is to sternly ask the invasive layer of flab to please take its leave of my body. If that doesn’t work, I shall have no choice but to raise my voice.
  • I told my husband I was going to sell him to the circus. It was for our future, I said. He didn’t seem convinced. He wanted to know what his circus act would be. I said it would be the half-naked man act, because he has this thing he likes to do on mornings when I work out at home where he suddenly scurries out of the bedroom and commences prancing around the kitchen clad only in his underwear and socks. Now he will probably never forgive me for composing a sentence about him that included the words “scurry,” “prance,” and “underwear.” Looks like I’ll have to run away and join the circus.
  • One of my brigadiers got engaged last night! She tried calling me, but since no one ever calls me I had carelessly abandoned my phone in another room. Damn my chronic unpopularity! She finally came over to our house to deliver the news in person. And that’s how we came to be popping an unexpected bottle of champagne at 10:00 p.m. on a weeknight to properly celebrate unexpected good news. Incidentally, it was a leftover bottle of the champagne we served at our wedding. The proposal occurred in the wind and rain on the pier early yesterday evening, and it was reported that right after the question was asked, the clouds broke and the sun shone through. It was also reported that the bride-to-be’s initial response to the question was “SHUT UP.” If that tale doesn’t warm the cockles of your heart, I don’t know what will.
  • I have developed a raging crush on the IFC series Portlandia. This is partially due to the fact that the beau is from Portland, and since we go back to visit frequently I know it’s all kind of true; and partially due to the fact that I go totally fangirl over Carrie Brownstein, who used to play bass in the now-defunct band Sleater-Kinney, and I’ve totally been listening to Sleater-Kinney since, like, 1999. They were one of my favorite bands while I was in college. I spent the entire summer between sophomore and junior year listening to “All Hands On the Bad One” on repeat. My college friend who used to put on Ladyfest Lansing once drove down to Ohio to sit directly across from Carrie Brownstein in a booth at a Big Boy restaurant and ask if Sleater-Kinney could play the festival that year (they couldn’t because of touring conflicts). So I will always have a special place in my heart for Carrie, and now I have a special place in my heart for this show.
  • I vacuumed!

Okay. That’s pretty much it. I’ll probably pop in tomorrow with a playlist. I’m thinking maybe a Cure-themed playlist? Seems to suit the weather here.

I hope to have the MonsterPost tamed by Monday. Maybe, um, Tuesday. Until then, tell me: what’s been going on with you?

Oh yeah, in the interest of trying to be a good blogger, or something, I shall leave you with this Portlandia clip. That way you’ll have something bright and sparkly to distract you when all these boring-looking words just start getting to you.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlGqN3AKOsA]

Oh, fine. I tweeted this one several weeks ago, but I can’t resist adding it here:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVmq9dq6Nsg]